is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
