Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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