I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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