I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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