dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
