We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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