I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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