I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
