And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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