wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
never play flip cup with pint glasses
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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