listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
