WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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