This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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