I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
