If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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