the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize