My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
