Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
