is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
