Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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