I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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