I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
