The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
