my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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