I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
