whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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