No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
