Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I need to align my fucking chakras
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize