We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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