Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You have to summon your inner elephant
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
