You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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