The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I checked into jail on foursquare
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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