Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
