I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
