I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
