why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize