so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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