im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my shit smells like andre
you mean i was at the winter classic?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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