Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
