We're like a lot better than the average bears
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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