She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
