just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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