My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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