he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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