When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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