I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize