New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
