Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
