Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
