I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
