when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
