no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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