Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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