You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
