Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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