Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
