Cold hands, warm shart.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize