Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
