Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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