need another drink. this is the easiest way
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
