there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize