I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
