im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
