There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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