that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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